Errrrr....

[bluetears07]

Title: Know What it’s Like to be Alone
Disclaimer: Ever so sorry boys…the stuff in here never happened. Warning: a lil over the top Hally writing/description…(Written cause of all the interviews and stuff Sean has been doing recently in N.Y.C (hehe Lijah, Lijah))
AN: All I really need to say here is that the first paragraph is told in third person while the rest is as I said before is told in Sean’s POV. Plus I only picked a few stanzas from the song and some are out of order to better fit the ebb and flow of the story.
Paring: Sean A./Elijah slash fic
Summary: Sean’s POV: “Loosely” Written to Something Corporate’s Konstantine. While Sean is in town he goes to visit Elijah at his apartment…(Time Frame: Night before the Lincoln Center; explanation as to why they were all er, happy?)
Rating: PG-13
Guide: ‘Thoughts’
Song lyrics
+++++++++++++++++++

Know What it’s Like to be Alone

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen

It was the most natural thing in the world for him; walking about the sleepless city he now called home, despite the cold that had shut most natives within their posh apartments, close to their heaters. He loved wandering alone in his new residence until late hours of the night; it gave him a chance to let his mind process the day’s events and let his thoughts wander, unhindered by the constant interruptions he faced everyday. This was his time to let the melancholy of his life seep its way deep into his heart, allowing himself to feel it—just so he knew longing from love was still an emotion he was capable of, despite the time since he’d seen that which created the longing.

The littered, over crammed streets seemed almost deserted compared to a normal New York night. Elijah had never truly been bothered by the elements, especially cold. ‘Could always put more on…’ His mind rationalized his likeness for cold over heat. A sudden gust of wind puffed fiercely against the back of his head, further disheveling his short dark brown hair. A thin sheen of goose bumps lit up and down his spine as he hugged his most recent purchase, a tinted green leather jacket with oversized buttons he simply loved, tighter around his thin frame. Deft fingers pulled lightly at the black and gray striped scarf loosely woven around his neck in an attempt to pull it tighter. Sean had forgotten this scarf at a con a while back, it still smelled heavily of the cologne and after shave he’d use that weekend. Elijah sighed deeply; intoxicated by the bittersweet smell. The soft material of the closely knitted scarf did wonders in preventing the sting of the wind from licking at the light dusting of dark stubble and skin just below his fuller lower lip.

A world rarely seen by most inhabitants of Manhattan was slowly entrancing Elijah’s senses, hitting him full force upon turning a corner and down the street that housed his apartment. Not a soul was there, both sidewalks completely vacant. Startled by the sight, Elijah paused for a moment before continuing to the awning that marked his building’s entrance. It was a strange thing to be alone yet quite famous, many people Elijah knew would love the chance to be completely alone—yeah he liked it too, but only to a certain degree—he didn’t want to be…abandoned…emotionally or physically, like so many had already done to him in the past…

“Quite ironic…to now also be physically alone.” Wood mumbled bitterly as he kept his gaze upon the illuminated awning. He wanted nothing more than to be able to curl up in his own bed and fall asleep; the next day he knew would bring Sean…

but I'm slipping in between
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dream

Sure finding the place had been easy enough but now discovering that which I had come to see is, well, not here, I have the little problem of getting into his apartment—I don’t really want to spend one of my free nights away from Christine in a poorly lit hallway that smells heavily of coffee and cloves…

“Elijah.”

I pulled the small piece of paper I had scrawled Elijah’s apartment number on from the pocket of my black pea coat to see if I was at the right place. Moving away far enough away from the metallic door I traced the raised gold-painted numbers, right place… I stood there for a few minutes trying to remember anything that might help me. Biting lightly on my bottom lip I let my hand fall away from the last number. After staring for a moment or two I remembered that at Elijah’s old house in New Zealand he had always kept, behind a light fixture that flanked his door, a spare key for his fellowship to use and once or twice for himself— little brat was notorious for always losing small objects. So I checked behind the low level light fixture next to his door and found within the upturned fixture, sandwiched between the burning bulb and the wall, a small key.

“Bingo.” I whispered against the cold metal of door as I turned the key in the lock. The door eased open with only a minor number of squeaks that cried for WD-40. A small lamp light was on in the living room area, next to the expensive leather couch I had helped him pick out. After closing the door I made my way to the classy furniture, attempting to avoid the haphazardly stacked towers of CD jewel cases and magazines that littered the hardwood floor. Emerging (luckily) with only a stubbed toe from the obstacle course Lijah had so lovingly set up I took a seat on the sofa, propping my feet on the coffee table.

Being the graceful hobbit I always had been within the same moment of propping up my feet I knocked a rather thick stack of papers off the coffee table. I quickly removed my feet from the table and I stooped to pick the papers off the ground. It was a script. On the title page, scrawled in Elijah’s handwriting, was the beginning film date; today… I felt my eyebrows knit together, ‘Why did he turn down…’ My mind stalled as I looked at the small, almost illegible and undistinguishable phrase written below the date and bold “No”; “Sean’s week!”

“He turned it down cause of me coming into town?” I wondered aloud as I traced the light pencil lines with my forefinger. “They could have rescheduled interview dates to fit his scheduled…but…” I mumbled under my breath tossing the script back onto the coffee table. I wasn’t sure what Elijah could have been thinking, turning down a job for a week with me… Bringing my hand to my face I pinched the bridge of my nose and letting a heavy, weary sigh tear from my lungs.

“He shouldn’t be letting me interfere with his dreams as an actor…he…” I felt a lump beginning to form in the back of my throat. “God, the boy should be following his heart and not feeling obligated to be here ‘cause I am…” I leaned down into a laying position on the plush leather sofa with a quiet moan, “Lord knows that’s why I’m here…following my heart…and not my obligations as a husband and father…” I had to say; if not to him than at least I could admit it to myself the true reasons why I was sitting in Elijah Wood’s apartment. “That young man is my dream.” I felt foolish speaking to an empty room, Elijah’s living room at that, unburdening my feelings into the silent night air.

A small weight felt as if it had been lifted from my chests, releasing the almost constant constricting force that seemed to eternally clutch my heart when I was with or away from Lijah. With a relieved sigh I looked at the small digital clock sitting next to the lamp, it’d been two hours since the cab had dropped me off at Elijah’s apartment.

“Where is that boy?” I sighed deciding to close my eye for a moment, tilting the black felt fedora over my eyes, reclining on the couch lazily.

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and I’m sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live
and I said, did you know I miss you?
oh god I miss you

I hadn’t really meant to fall asleep on Elijah’s couch but the leather had been just so inviting, and the knowledge that he probably spent half his day sitting on his ass playing on his PS2 there made it all the more enticing. The sudden thud of a metal door being closed was the sound that had jarred me out of my light sleep and transferred me back into the world of the waking.

I sat up on my elbows to see over the opposite arm of the couch, his slender back framed in leather was turned to me. He was fiddling idly with the gold chain of the lock before he slid it into its rightful groove to lock the door. Lolling back into my previous state I decided to pretend to be slumbering, placing the fedora over my face to hide the blatantly obvious grin. I heard light foot steps towards the couch and a clatter of CD jewel cases as a Smashing Pumpkin’s tower was dashed to the ground. He cursed under his breath abandoning all attempts to rebuild his tower. Another foot fall and then before the foot fell I heard him inhale sharply.

“Sean!” His voice was full of wonderment and no attempts were even made to hide the immense joy that seeped through every syllable. With out even looking I knew exactly what his face looked like simply by his voice. His eyebrows knit together like they always did when he smiled, vibrant blue eyes electrified with excitement, a beautiful smile spreading across his full lips exposing the childish gap between his front teeth, his pale skin glowing and radiating a heavenly glow from within; pure euphoria.

I couldn’t resist the urge anymore to envelope him in my arms. Sitting up quickly; fedora falling carelessly into my lap, I grabbed the younger man around the waist and pulled him down on to the sofa in a warm bear hug. He came crashing down onto my lap with a sudden yelp of surprise. Somehow his arms and wound themselves around my neck, his left hand cradling the back of my head; God, a man could loose sight of all rational thought when Elijah’s fingertips brushed lightly against the shell of his ear.

“Missed ya, Mr. Frodo…” Those weak words were the only ones that came to my tongue; I whispered them against his ear, my face pressed into his short disheveled hair; hands carefully caressing the small of his back as he shifted on my lap so he was straddling my hips. When I spoke I felt him quiver in my arms, I hadn’t realized but the fingers pressed tightly against the back of my neck are near frozen.

“Oh, Sam…” I heard his voice crack and he stumbled over his words, pressing his face harder against my shoulder. I could feel his warm breath through the thick fabric of my coat. “I-I thought I wouldn’t see you t-till tomorrow morning…” There was no disappointment in his voice only relief no to be alone. He pulled back from my embrace to look into my eyes; I knew they must have been clouded a mossy color from the way his eyes softened. His icy fingers shifted from the nape of my next to caress the right side of my face; digits beginning to warm from my heated skin. A smile tugged at the corners of my lips as he pressed our foreheads together. A sigh far too weary and deep for someone his age poured from his lips as he closed his eyes.

‘What’s happened to my happy go lucky Lijah…?’

“I’m so glad you’re hear, Sean…I thought I was about to go fuckin’ crazy alone out here.”

but dammit you're so young
well I don't think I care
and if I hurt you
then I’m sorry
please don't think that this was easy

“Shhh, it’s okay, Lij…I’m here.” I couldn’t stop the fatherly undertone from lacing my voice as I tried to reassure him. The tone reminded me just how young he was, and how old I was.

‘I just…I don’t care anymore, I can’t help how I feel and I it most certainly isn’t my fault that whenever I’m not with him a great void fills my soul and constricting force invades my heart. I feet anything but like his father…’

His now lukewarm hand dropped from my face to rest on my shoulder where his hands began to toy absentmindedly with the lapel and collar of my coat. I tried to ignore the sudden current of electricity that shot up my body and settled hard between myself and Lijah. He’d began to shift again in my lap, wriggling his hips against mine to get more comfortable—bad move. The almost course black fabric contrasted perfectly with the alabaster hue of his lean fingers as he ran them over the right lapel. Slipping a finger under the collar Elijah pulled away opening his eyes once more with a large smile gracing his face.

“Thank you, Seanie.” He cooed with over exaggerated sweetness dripping from his words and a smile to match them.

‘There he is! ’

I couldn’t stop from rolling my eyes as I begrudgingly shoved him off my lap. “Off, you,” I complained shoving my fedora on his head and hitting the rim once to hid his eyes. He smiled looking up from beneath the rim of the black felt, I could see disappointment in his all telling eyes, or perhaps it was my own sorrow at the lost of his touch that I was projecting into his eyes. My hands lingered at the small of his back as he moved away and stood up. I swung my legs off the couch so I was in a sitting position on the edge of the sofa cushion. It was then I really noticed his new attire, a green tinted leather jacket that still smelled heavily of leather. “What’s this?” I asked pulling my hand from the small of his back to tug open the jacket.

“Do ya like it?” He asked eagerly seeking my approval despite the face he was always the one giving me dressing tips. I fingered one of the oversized buttons as I looked at the coat’s orange satin lining. Pulling away from my grasp, Elijah crammed both his hands in the jacket’s pockets and turned around to display the back screen stretched taught of his shoulder blades. “Isn’t that cool?” He asked over his shoulder lifting both his eyebrows in question. So young and innocent…how could I not smile at the wistful face waiting from my agreement in his choice of clothing.

A pale white face with deep black hair was staring back at me blankly with dead gray eyes from the back of Elijah’s new coat. I the screen look Oriental as did the woman’s hairstyle. As a whole the jacket was a piece of art, very interesting and unique; like my Lijah.

“Very cool, Lij. Especially with the hat.” A sudden bundle of high pitched giggles hit me square in the chest as Elijah pounced on me for another hug, pushing me back into the cushions of the couch once again straddling my hips to wrap his arms around my shoulders. I felt his face press against the crook of my neck; his breath tickling the sensitive skin there with warm breath as he giggled. A rush of words was beginning to fall from Elijah’s lips so quickly they would have been lost on any person who didn’t know him but I drank in every last letter.

“It reminded me of you. I knew you’d like it! That’s why I bou…” Lijah trailed off. A nova of warmth exploded in the pit of my stomach licking at the rapidly thudding heart above it. I looked down at the young man sprawled over my body as a deep flush rose from his neck to his cheeks and warmed the tips of his ears.

and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
and all the hell I put you through
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my Konstantine

It was a perfect opening for what Christine wanted me to talk to him about. She wanted me to find out how Elijah felt and decide from there what to do or never step foot in our house again…she said she couldn’t bear to see the distant look haunting my eyes any longer—she’d know for a long time how I felt. In many ways that woman was a god sent but if I hadn’t been so foolish when I was younger and hadn’t married at 19 I wouldn’t be in the mess I was now.

The first moment of awkward silence ever passed between Lijah and my self as I thought how to begin my confession. I had to do this, I’d do whatever it takes, and if he did reciprocate I had to do it for his sake—after all I’d put him through, after all we’d been through together, he deserves to know how I feel. My hand felt out of place on his clothed hip but I did not have the strength nor will to move it. His breathing was puffing slowly and calmly against my skin, I heard him speak first—thank God for this young man.

“Sean I think we should…talk.” He pulled away from my shoulder to sit back on my knees, still facing me. The pale flawless skin of his cheeks were flushed a fetching pink shade. His eyes were downcast as to not let me in upon his emotions; he knew I could look straight into his soul when he looked me in the eye, I think it scared him now. “I..I..” he was mumbling unintelligently as he brought his index finger to his lips. He began to compulsively chew on the non existent nail in a nervous habit.

“Elijah, stop, okay?” I begged pulling at his hand; I knew my voice had been to stern when he jumped slightly. I clasped the smaller hand in my two large ones preventing him from chewing his finger off. His fingers were still too cold for my liking. “I want to tell you something I probably should have told you a long time ago…” My voice had thankfully stayed even through the sentence but nerves and anxiety clipped my words short giving them and agitated quality. With my thumb I began to trace circles in the back of his hand going ahead with my confession.

"Eli-” I paused unsure of what to say…I’d never been at a loss before. “Y-you know how Frodo told Sam that he’d have to be one and whole for many years and not torn in two?” A nod. “Well…er…when do you think Sam was truly one and whole?” Elijah’s face tilted upward, revealing two shining blue eclipse; he was letting me see his emotions. Deep within his eyes I could see shock and hope and something undistinguishable I had never seen before in another’s eyes; especially directed at me.

“When he was with Frodo.” Elijah deadpanned as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Those simple words gave me more courage than I thought I could muster, they fanned the flames of the white hot fire that had exploded with in my stomach when Elijah had told me why he bought his jacket. I felt my head nod and a smile contort my lips as I spoke in a voice so calm I wasn’t sure if it was my own.

“Right, with Frodo. Someone he loves more than breathing and life itself…someone he’d follow into the very depths of hell, someone who commands his heart even in absence…Someone who completes his soul and heart, who takes away the anguish of a rainy day with a simple smile…Someone he’d give up his family to follow.” The last line I spoke sent the unshed tears that had began to well up in Elijah’s eyes over the brink.

“No Sean…” Elijah mumbled shaking his head. I caught his face in my hands, wiping away the crystalline tears with my callused thumbs. “Frodo wouldn’t let Sam leave his family; he knew how much they meant to him.” He sounded bitter; he still didn’t understand the metaphor.

“He loved his family and always will but,” I paused to drop the analogy, “God Elijah I love you more.”

it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen

“What!” Suddenly the quiet night air was dissipated. Elijah had backed off my lap and fallen onto his coffee table which had given way under his sudden weight. He yelped as he fell through the wood and stared up at me, puzzled look still etched on his face.

‘God what have I done…he hates me—didn’t even want to touch me. Broke his fucking coffee table trying to get away from me.’

“What did you say, Sean?” He asked again in a calm demeanor as he tried to pull himself out of the rubble and debris of his splintered coffee table. Standing once more he stood before me, I dared not look him in face. His hand found my chin and tilted my face up to look into his eyes. “Tell me…” He begged.

“I said, ‘I love you.’” I repeated quietly looking to the side of Elijah’s face, still refusing to look him in the eye.

and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
I know you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights I think maybe that I’ll miss you in my living room

“That’s what I thought, Sean.” He whispered; there was no anger in his voice, nor shock or disgust. I looked back to his face in time to watch him lean down to be level with my face. His hand dropped to my shoulder as his other hand found its way to the opposite shoulder. With the lightest pressure he pushed me back against the sofa, a knee pressed between my legs as he leaned to press his forehead against mine. “That’s what I wanted to hear for ages, Sean.” His breath tickled the skin of my upper lip before the sensation was forgotten and replaced by another. Arms encircle my shoulders. Moving his face to my cheek his tongue flicks out to caresses the shell of my ear as he speaks again. “I love you…” He pulls back suddenly with an innocent smile, Frodo’s smile.

“I love you.” It’s easier the second time he speaks it. A grin breaks out over his face and all pretence of seduction is lost as he presses his lips to mine in a sweet chaste caress. Our first kiss, in his living room, a chaste kiss at that. A sweet chaste kiss free of lust or impure emotions that are so easily confused with the lost art love; a chaste kiss that rekindled the hope that romance might not yet be dead. My hand wound its way into the short hairs that rose to the touch at the nape of Elijah’s neck.
I felt…home.

we don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?

He looks to the left as his hand snakes up my back, hidden from the probing view of the cameras, coming to rest at the base of my neck applying the lightest pressure of reassurance. I look at what you seem so humored by and feel a smile pull at my lips. He barely leaves my side for a moment; I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Images of him so close to me, our bodies touching somewhere in every frame; all immortalized by clicks of a button.

‘I want a copy of these.’

After posing as a group I walk up behind him, pressing my palm to the small of his back. He looks over his shoulder with a smile, “How much longer till I get you back in my living room, Astin?” He whispered as another flash sets off. I know our eyes tell all in those pictures; wanting, longing and finally finding what all souls spend their lives looking for.

my Konstantine

“Smile for the camera, my Lijah.”

++++++++

AN: Uuugh just as I finished writing this I saw beizy had written something with the Lincoln pictures in mind and uuugh I fell this is just so infinitesimal compared to it. Oh well Hally did try I just don’t know why I don’t like it…if ya’ll who do read it know why they don’t like it please tell me what it is so I can improve…Thank you!

“I'm not worried 'bout the ring you wear
Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care
You're feelin' guilty and I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed and baby I'm not scared” Uncle Kracker, Follow Me…teehee Seanlijah.